Bride Elect (Evolution of a Bridezilla)
Chapter Forty— Eyes On the Prize
Despite our best and loftiest intentions, we were beginning to realize that we were still subject to the stress and rigors involved in getting married. We were convinced that nothing would change with our getting married because we were—in our hearts—already married. We were learning, despite all wilful natures in play, that we had to amend that belief to: most things would not change with our getting married…
With the emotionally charged life events like graduation, weddings, births, and even deaths, it is all too easy to let egos run rampant. In the days leading up to our wedding, I was at work, doing what I do every year: preparing for our grad. Some days it felt like I was surrounded by the crazed and crazy. However, I suspect—highly suspect—I was leading the crazy charge.
I would come home from work and still be in high gear. I was in full-on teacher mode. Palucid would come home exhausted, and probably a little cranky as a result of being so exhausted. To him, I had all the charm and grace of a mosquito at three in the morning. Often, he would swat me away—figuratively speaking. I am not one who really takes well to being ‘swatted away’—especially if Palucid is the one doing the ‘swatting’.
I felt a little wounded, and I got angry, pouty, and a little bat-shit crazy. Suffice to say things at home got a little tense. We were caught in that pre-wedding snare. Each of us was caught up in our own little worlds of anxiety, second guessing, and what-ifs. It was, for me, further confirmation of why I would only want to do this once. You tend to go toe-to-toe with the big questions. Which, I think is a good thing—perhaps not the most fun thing–but a good thing overall.
The big questions are the scary questions. “Are you sure?” is not a big question by itself, however, if you include its addendum: “why?”, then you are left to give serious pause. Really looking at the reasons you are getting married, and ensuring they are the right reasons is essential, but very scary territory. You start really think about the little things that niggle at you and ask: if it irks me now—what are the long term effects? How will it impact me once there are kids. Will there be kids? If so, then when? Can we do this—really? Things can really snowball very badly if you are not careful.
I really didn’t get the “cold feet” thing. I got impatient with myself, and the current “ice age” that seemed to be settling in between us. I did what most bat-shit crazy bride-zillas would do in that situation. I made it all about me, and I blamed Palucid for the majority of the situation. I was the wounded party, I was being taken for granted, and how dare he! I have to give Kudos to Palucid for sticking it out, and not booking it out of town. He held his ground, called me out on my own shit, and eventually we pushed our way through it.
The thing is, no matter how solid you are, or how much of a “formality” the actual wedding is, you still have to work at keeping everything in perspective. It is a tricky balance to keep the right level of anticipation without losing sight of the bigger picture. Conversely, if you only look to the bigger picture, then you might overlook the sweet and unique pleasure of both anticipation, and the special day itself. If you just hold with the “put one foot in front of the other”, or one day at a time, philosophy then you could easily feel ambushed.
I realized it was all about keeping one eye to the “prize”, the other eye to the horizon, and both feet on the ground moving at a canter that is sustainable. Neither Palucid nor I could have predicted how greatly we would be challenged in this area in the days leading up to our wedding. Good thing our intuitive natures weren’t in over-drive. Otherwise both of us would likely have booked the first spaceship out of there.